My Cat the ATV
So, there I was, in a very one-sided relationship. He generally called the shots, and it was just so much easier–in the short run–to go along with it.
"No cats." he said. "Not ever. Cats belong in the barn."
He got what he wanted and when he wanted it. But the All Terrain Vehicle was the last straw.
I wanted to renovate the house. In my entire adult life, I was never able to make a house my home, because I was constantly moving. I thought I was actually staying in this particular house. And for eight years I wanted to renovate. Paint at least!
Finally, he agreed we would renovate the house. Then I got a phone call from him. He was at his mother's. Again.
"I am buying an ATV," he said.
"What?!", I exclaimed.
"Yes, I have found a brand new ATV. I'm buying it."
"With what?", I wanted to know.
"With the secured line of credit." he explained with that pretend patience he used.
"But we agreed that would be used for home renovations!"
He hung up on me.
He phoned back.
"Dad lent me the money. I bought the ATV."
The dam burst. I sat down on the couch and cried for forty-eight hours straight. No word of a lie.
There would be no home renovations, because he now had to pay his dad back. He would also be off every weekend, instead of every other weekend, to ride his bloody machine.
But what really struck home, was that there was no us. Probably never was. It was him, him, him.
On Monday, I went to work looking rather ragged to say the least. A friend of mine asked me what was wrong. I told her the tale.
She grabbed me firmly by the arm.
"We are going to get you a freakin' cat."
And we did.
That night, I walked into the house and thrust the little fur ball in his face.
"This," I said with strength, "is my ATV."
What could he say? But it marked the beginning of the end.
The cat is still with me. He is not.
Is there a defining event in your life, where you stood up for yourself?
I’m glad you got the cat.
Per your Q, I can only think of a particular instance where I wish I had stood up for myself. But I envisioned having to walk about 50 miles home… so I shut up and took it. oh well. It was still somewhat of a defining moment for me - I realized then and there that a job is never worth sacrificing self-respect. I just didn’t act on it at that specific moment: I quit the next week.
Good for you! Thank you for sharing your journey! I always look forward to your reads! I hope you don’t mind if I stumble this post?
This still gets me all choked up. You go, girl.
Hi Urban Panther. What a rat! What a cat
What a Panther!…
Hmmm. There have been times for me, but I can’t remember anything specific. I’m working my way up to doing it again… tonight actually. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Is there a defining event in my life, where I stood up for myself?
That’s easy! There were two.
The first was in the summer of 1962 when I was 10 years old. We had been fishing several miles from the new town we moved to, Trenton, Nebraska. My mom and step-dad got into a fight and he drove off and left us. Mom, my little sister and I walked all the way home in the dark. The next day, my mom started selling things in a yard sale. She was planning to go chasing off after him. I pitched a fit and said I wanted to go back and live with my grandparents. I can still remember calling them collect on a pay phone. While I don’t remember the conversation, I do remember parts of the ride back to North Platte. My little sister lived with them til 1966 and I didn’t go back to live with my Mom permanently until 1967, but that’s a whole bunch of other stories.
The other one was on July 12, 1972 - Lake County, Illinois courthouse, when I stood up for myself AND for my bride. I took my vows seriously and still do, partially, I think, because of my experience growing up in a broken home in a time when divorce was not a normal aspect of society.
My wife is still my best friend and I don’t have an ATV. Most of the time when either of us goes anywhere, the other is along.
So, yes, my marriage, was a defining event.
For that ATV trick your ex pulled, you should have gotten TWO cats.
And a St.-Bernanrd.
And a budgie.
And a rabbit.
And a boa-constrictor…etc.
I know someone who went through something similar. And like you, she left him.
As for my marriage, the Hubby is very aware that when it comes to large purchases, turns are taken. We don’t always agree with the choice of the other, but we have frequently compromised.
(Oh, he hates cats, yet still married me even though a cat was part of the package. I give him credit for trying to like my cat and playing with him.)
Just sent you some blog bling, if you want to stop by and grab it.
The first time my mother tried to feed me pablum and I spit it in her face and then dumped the bowl into her lap. No one could ever make me do anything against my will ever again.
Panther,
What a wonderful story, and a perfect, personal ATV. I love a good empowerment story.
Me? Heavens, yes. Several. I seem to have had way more than my share of defining moments. *sigh*
I’ve gotten myself to where I am through those moments, though. And I’ll tell you, I’ve got as much definition as I want.
I’ll be thinking about defining moments for an hour now….
Regards,
Kelly
Sending a hug to your former self. I’m glad you got the cat…and dumped the guy!
You are soooooo much better off now. But you knew that.
Hmm, defining events in my life.
The last two jobs I literally quit, and when both bosses said they wouldn’t give me a good reference, I said that I wouldn’t even be mentioning them on my resume. A black hole, and empty space.
I’ve got another one that’s much better than that, but I’ll save it either for a blog post or a preview of my book some time. It’s killer, I’m a nice quiet guy but… when pushed…
CuriousC - you may have quit a week later, but you stood up for yourself right then and there by choosing your self-respect. Trust me, it was a long time in coming for me to finally choose my self-respect over the comfort of being in a relationship. A bad relationship, but comfortable in that it was known.
Mark - as I said on your site, thank you so much for your continued support!
James - aaaaaaahhhhhhhh
Davina - my fingers are crossed. You go girl!
Mike - I always get goose bumps reading your stories about your childhood. Thank you so much for sharing. It really is what I hope the Lair to be. A place to share freely. And it is so nice to have your spouse/partner be your best friend through thick and thin. The Lion and I are only apart when he travels with business, and even then I have gone with him sometimes. We have individual interests (e.g. I run and he doesn’t), but we are rarely separated for more than 24 hours by choice.
Friar - got the second cat shortly after moving into my own apartment. My daughter said two cats was acceptable. After that I would be moving into Crazy Cat Lady territory.
RC - the Lion is allergic to cats, but he willingly gave them a try (for which I am still eternally grateful). After 1 week he was no longer miserable, and after 2 weeks he stopped taking allergy medication. Now it’s only bad for him if the vacuuming gets left too long. Out of respect for his willingness to take the cats as part of the deal, I try to keep the house swept and vac’ed.
RC again - thank you! Will probably pick it up for Marvelous Monday!
XUP - independent right from the get-go, eh XUP? And your daughter? Does she dish independence right back at you too? *grin*
Kelly - it’s nice to get to a point where you can stop defining yourself and just be yourself *smile*
Debra - hug received, and former self thanks you!
Brett - yup, I DO know that. And what’s with the teasers? Spill already!
Just curious…Did you name the cat ATV?
I’ll have to get back to you on the defining moment.
I’m chuckling to myself b/c I thought this would be a “that darn cat does the cutest things” type of post and I thought the “one-sided relationship” referred to your relationship with your cat LOL!! My elderly cat rules the roost . . .
Anyway, this was a much more serious post - I see that now! Panther, I just can’t imagine you with a man like that and I’m glad your cat led you to freedom!
No, actually she is completely the opposite. She is happy to let me do everything for her and organize her life. I suspect she will live with me forever unless she finds a partner who thinks they should get their own place.
Standing up for yourself feels soooo good. I’m glad you and the cat found each other amid the adversity.
Defining moment? Oh yes! Too long to tell here, but the supposedly wiser, calmer, more professional, more Christian, and more correct person I stood up to lost his self control and hung up on me. Such lack of maturity confirmed my decision.
I love that story Panther! Way to go - standing up for yourself! And…you made the right choice in the one you kept…
I loved this story and I know exactly how it feels to be in one of those one sided relationships. I used to have one with my hubby. Before we had Bunny we lived very independent lives and it worked for us until our goals didn’t mesh. Then Musicman thought I should just give up my dreams because they didn’t fit in with his.
He was working to build a corporate career and I had retrained to teach English and wanted to do it overseas. We agreed we were going to go to Spain with some friends first as a holiday and then we’d play it by ear. Instead he decided to set his own goal of starting a business with a friend and then went ahead, quit his job and wrapped himself up in that with very little consultation with me. Suddenly there was no Spain/no overseas and I soon saw no US. It was just him and me as the sidekick.
Like you I stood up for myself one day and told him I had decided to go to Mexico and Guatemala by myself. I wasn’t going to sit around waiting and paying his bills while he tried to make money. I had just turned 30 and I felt old, miserable and stuck and I was going to go out and get a life. He was welcome to join me if he wished. If he didn’t (he couldn’t) he’d just have to hope that I didn’t decide my world would be better off without him.
Considering we ow have a kid and are about to celebrate 10 years of marriage, I guess sometimes taking the hard line does work out and you can get everything you want.
Kelly
PS. I love cats too. My old girl Daisy who died last year was with me 16 years and well and truly outlasted the guy who bought her for me.
WOW! I can really see how that was a defining moment. And aren’t cats the best?
I’ve had several defining moments of standing up for myself like that (can’t share them online though, lol.) It really is better to stand up for yourself than just be kicked around all the time. Why do I have to keep relearning that lesson? lol
Hoo-boy! At least you didn’t throw the cat at him.
Stupid fool, I’m happy you dumped his sorry but.
Run DMT - the cat’s name is Tetley. Not after the tea, but after the Irish beer. My thought being, it would make my partner more inclined to like the cat. LOL The Calico Kitten’s name is actually Guinness. Figured I might as well continue the Irish beer theme.
Vintage Mommy - ha! Yes, I can see how you thought it was going in that direction. The Siamese rules the roost in that he freaks if you go 5 minutes past his treat time. The Calico Kitten rules the roost by just looking so darn sweet all the time. She has the Lion wrapped around her paw.
XUP - well, that works then. If you were both fiercely independant, I imagine sparks would be flying!
Lori - in my humble opinion, anyone who defines themselves as More Christian than the next person, really isn’t all that Christian like.
Lance - yep, Siamese, then Calico Kitten, then the grand prize feline of them all, the Urbane Lion! I am truly blessed.
Kelly@SHE - relationships need constant tweaking. The problem lies when one person refuses to tweak AT ALL. Obviously your Musicman did. Sorry to hear about your puss-cat. Did you get, or are you getting another one?
Dube - standing up for myself was a tough thing to learn. However, when I started dating the Lion, I vowed that I would calmly mention anything that didn’t sit right with me IMMEDIATELY. In the beginning I would almost be sick to stomach with dread, but his responses were always so loving and reasonable. Eventually, it became a total non-issue for me. Now I just say “Um, hon…” and we go from there.
Matthew - LOL throwing things at him occured several months later. But that would be an entirely different post *chuckle*